This is a story of my unraveling, journeying through pain, terror, and solitude to return to the void - the canvas of all Creation.

It is also a story of my remembering: my brilliance, my mission, my gifts, my beauty, and my sacred dance with the Mystery.

And it is an invitation... for you to journey within, to rediscover your own sacred dance, and to embrace the boundless potential of your soul.

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In November 2019, as I neared my 25th birthday, I found myself within the maze-like corridors of Stanford's biology labs. This was the path I had chosen, where I had vowed to spend the next half-decade unraveling Nature's enigma through a PhD in biology. My inner landscape mirrored the agony of confinement and pressure- I felt as if poison coursed through my veins, leaving me utterly depleted.

The relentless echo of daunting questions permeated the silence of my solitude: "Why am I here? What is this for?" I had embarked on this quest stirred by a reverence for the unfathomable Mystery of Nature and Consciousness. My research was a prayer to Her, a silent dialogue with the Great Mystery, as I explored Her signaling networks, and marveled at Her neurons. Yet, the more I learned, the further I seemed to drift from the Truth. The endless barrage of details failed to quench my longing to understand Her. 

Amidst the whirlwind of my thoughts, my identity as a scientist began to blur and self-doubt clouded my mind. Could I abandon this path and still respect myself? Was this singular definition of success my only identity? Or was I more than just a scientist?

A searing ache within me posed the unsettling question, "Am I truly destined to devote my life to this pursuit while I endure agony? While so many others are also in pain and this work is completely and utterly incapable of addressing that?" 

The western medical system had labeled me with various illnesses and psychiatric conditions, for which they had offered no remedy except for exorbitantly priced drugs that left me in this tormented state.  And I couldn't shake the feeling that there must be a link between the years of abuse that I had experienced in high school and the symptoms that started to emerge around that time. 

Time was fleeting, and I desperately yearned to experience the world in all Her beauty, the richness of human existence. To live in the love that I had encountered in those fleeting moments in meditation, with beloveds, with Nature, and with psychedelics. 

There had to be something real, something deeper, something greater. But was I not already incredibly fortunate to be where I was? Didn't most people resign themselves to what life handed to them without daring to ask for more? Why did I feel that I deserved more?

The crushing weight of "should" reverberated through me, and my head fell to the desk in defeat. I was ensnared in a trajectory I no longer desired, a life that bristled with unbearable pain.

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A few months later, as the world plunged into a pandemic, I found myself in the sanctuary of my parents' home in Oregon. What was intended as a brief hiatus started to feel like a permanent departure. I had no plan, no direction, no idea of what I was going to do or who I was going to become. But none of that mattered. All I knew was that I wasn’t going back.

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Hand in hand with the Great Mystery, I ventured into the flames, devoting myself wholly to the pursuit of healing. The allure of depth had always been irresistible to me, the tempestuous waters of the emotional realm seemed to call me ever deeper. 

Yet, from the moment I was born, the world had warned me of the hazards of such a path. I felt too deeply, I wept too freely. I was too sensitive, too intense, too passionate. Often, my desperate yearning for connection impelled me to lose myself in others. Love had torn me apart repeatedly, an abyss so profound that only further pain could numb it. The world had taught me that my intensity was dangerous, a chaotic force to be contained and controlled.

In the year that followed, without work to shield me from the pain inside my body and the harsh voice in my head echoing my mistakes and shortcomings, I plunged headfirst into the enigmatic vastness—exploring the realms of consciousness through psychedelics, deepening my meditation practices, immersing myself in the study of mystical traditions and ceremony, and following the paths of a wide array of healers and holistic methodologies.

I experienced the unifying fabric of the cosmos firsthand. I dissolved into nothingness, only to re-emerge as part of everything that existed. The deeper I fell in love with the Universe, the more I also fell in love with myself- a vibrant, intricate fractal of the Universe, a microcosm reflecting the entire cosmos within.  

Emerging from the cocoon of that retreat, I found myself reborn, transformed. No longer adrift in a barren sea, my world had come alive. The breath of trees, whispers of my angels and ancestors, the unyielding Love of the Great Mother cradling me, the Divine Father's Spark coursing rhythmically through my veins.

I began to perceive myself through Her eyes— a beautiful tangle of perfection and flaws, in a constant state of healing and yet already being healed. My dis-ease, once a dreaded curse (the debilitating symptoms, the PTSD, the isolation at my parents' home), began to resemble an initiation. I found myself enrolled in a unique University presided over by the Mystery herself. The chaotic, bewildering, brilliant, exquisite Mystery. 

All of this, the whole spectrum of pain and dis-ease, was but a form of education, equipping me for the purpose I was destined to fulfill in this world, the love I was here to share. All this introspective time, submerged in the crucible of transformation and rebirth, had been shaping me into the person I was meant to become.

But… What exactly was I here to offer? "Show me the way, and I will go that way…" This whispered invocation became my guiding star.

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The answer to my prayer came in the form of another initiation. In April 2022, a traumatic event plunged me into a profound crisis manifesting as an array of incapacitating physical symptoms and panic attacks that left me screaming in terror. 

Waves of embarrassment and shame washed through me. How could I, after my metamorphosis, my progress, and the plethora of healing measures I had taken, collapse into a total breakdown? How could I ever serve as a beacon for others when I was lost in my own storm?

I had no choice but to surrender myself entirely, relinquishing control over my body, thoughts, desires, and identity. Yet, this disassembly had granted me a precious gift: clarity. Even amidst the depths of my despair, faint glimmers of the Divine punctured the darkness in the comforting arms of my human mother beneath the star-studded canopy of the night sky.

A part of me yearned to let go, to surrender into the embrace of the Great Mystery. Yet, however unhinged and fragmented I felt, no matter how deafening my screams, the look mirrored in the eyes of my mother and my beloved friends reassured me that an unbroken part of me persevered.

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Finally, after emerging with a graduate degree in trauma, I found myself ready to receive the keys to the laboratory of Love- somatics & attachment science. 

For the previous three years, I had committed to a multitude of practices—I had spent innumerable hours in hypnotherapy, delving deep into my traumas and renegotiating them. I had acknowledged my past lives, honored my dreams, and received the blessings of my ancestors. I had a crystal-clear understanding of how the scars of traumas had led me to this juncture. At the level of the mind, it had all made perfect sense, I had processed it, and I had consciously and lovingly let it go. In my mind, I 'knew' I was safe, worthy, valuable, and loved.

But the scars of abuse, abandonment, and overwhelm from years past were etched into the blueprint of my nervous system and permeated every cell of my body. For all these years, my cells had existed in a state of terror and shame, a state that no amount of 'understanding', 'relaxation', or 'acceptance' could alter. 

In order to break free I would have to return to the primal language of my cells- to embrace and harness the exquisite power of the brain-body Herself. Reunited with my Beloved in the form of science, I found myself engrossed in the study of the biology of trauma, interpersonal neurobiology, and their application to somatically healing the attachment system.

What I discovered left me awestruck— the science was echoing the exact same principles as all the spiritual and healing traditions I had studied - just in different words. 

Two facets of myself, the scientist and the mystic, which I had considered distinct, were in fact one. They always had been. My bone-deep desire for TRUTH was fulfilled in a way I could never have imagined.

My recent trauma had guided me to the very edge of mortality—beyond the tranquility and bliss I had previously found in meditation and spiritual realms. It had brought me face-to-face with my most terrified self. She had always been there… patiently awaiting my return.

Driven to decode Her ancient language, I delved into diverse somatic disciplines, ranging from Somatic Attachment Therapy and Hakomi Somatic Psychotherapy to Interpersonal Neurobiology and Resonant Healing.

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Life's journey often leads us through realms of pain, mystery, and shadow. But it's in these challenging landscapes that our strength, resilience, and capacity for love and transformation shine brightest. I am living proof.

For all the jagged shards of pain, for the despair and fear that were once my constant companions, I am grateful. They molded me into who I am today—a beacon of hope, a testament to the transformative power of love. Each tear I shed watered the seeds of my resilience, each scream echoed my determination to survive, to thrive. Life's mysteries became my dance, its unpredictable rhythms my music. 

From trauma, I carved a path of liberation. Not a path bound by cognitive boundaries, but one echoing the body's innate wisdom and the heart's gentle rhythms. True healing doesn't lie in external conditions but in how we relate—to our bodies, minds, souls, loved ones, and the world. Even though I still grapple with physical symptoms, doubts, and fears, my world is entirely different. 

From feelings of entrapment, isolation, vulnerability, and bewilderment, I've emerged into a realm of freedom, unity, empowerment, and aliveness that is not limited by conventional understanding or societal expectations. This newfound realm isn't just a place of relief or escape, but a deep-rooted connection to the very essence of existence, where shadows and light intertwine, teaching me the profound wisdom of balance and acceptance.

Every challenge, every tear, every moment of uncertainty has been an invitation to dive deeper, to truly understand the intricacies of my being and my place in the grand tapestry of life. In this dance of duality — of pain and joy, fear and love — I've found the rhythms that truly resonate with my soul, guiding me towards a more authentic, vibrant, and liberated self.

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And so, I invite you to journey with me, as we untangle the threads of past traumas, dissolve old wounds, and surrender into the beauty and belonging that is our birthright. Together, we can remember who we truly are, anchoring in the knowing that we are safe, cherished, supported, and deeply loved. This is the dance of the Great Mystery— a dance of connection, of life, of love, of and healing. A dance that celebrates the beauty of being and becoming — a dance of true cellular liberation.

As you walk your own path of healing and growth, remember this: the Great Mystery, in all Her unfathomable depth and beauty, dances within you. She has always been there, patiently awaiting your return. No matter where your journey takes you, the dance continues— rich, infinite, and exquisite— carrying the rhythm of life, love, and liberation within each beat. The dance of the Great Mystery is, after all, our dance too, a dance that weaves together spirit and science, pain and joy, the seen and the unseen. And in this dance, we find not only the means to heal, but the joy of life itself.

In love, Ariane